my mom is facetiming with my aunt. i’m laying down looking at mitchell & ness shorts on my ipad. i forget who, but one of them brings up her oldest son who is due to graduate with his bachelor’s this may. the topic switches from his graduation to his grad school selection, to which he just got back from visiting georgetown, to which (again) he really liked. i’m happy for that guy mayne. he deserves all the credit and the praise for finishing school in 4 years. 2 years younger and graduating before me. incredible.
they went on to converse about some beef jerky my aunt sent and i zoned out thinking of what life would be for me had i finished school. maybe dental school, probably med school? i don’t know, school doesn’t seem to be for me, but i do feel i’m missing out. i don’t know what, but it feels like everybody is having the time of their life while i play catch up. almost like i’m behind on this journey towards happiness. engagements, marriage, paid salary, etc.
i get insecure when people ask what i’m doing with my life. i tell them i’m an aspiring writer and rapper. they always claim it’s cool and go on a short rant of how they wish they were creative, but i can see thru it. they look down on me and i feel it. they don’t believe this path leads anywhere worth exploring, and that’s ironic, because i don’t even think they believe they’re happy. do you create happiness or do you find it? for me, the answer is to create it, and the path i’m on gives me the best chance at collecting all the tools i need to do so. the journey feels stagnant at times, but at least it doesn’t feel forced.
i think things are better this way.
-ratha, 12:36pm, 3.5.17
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