a meal for ta, 8.26.24

before leaving today, we stopped by ta’s house. as we were hanging out with the family, there was a slideshow playing on the television with family pictures from the last 40/50 years. i saw a version of my parents younger than me. i’ve seen these photos before, but never had that perspective. there were a lot of pictures of ta with chan and boun in a world before me. it made me feel grateful, yet aware. life looked so beautiful back then, but back then was at the time and at the time now things don’t feel so beautiful. as i sat watching the slide show, yiy dropped off a plate below ta’s picture. she lit an incense and told him to enjoy this meal because it had been a while since he’s ate something he really loved. may have been years, actually. i thought that was so sweet. i almost cried but was able to hold it together.

so thankful for the family i have.

i truly am so lucky.

-ratha, 5:12pm, 8.26.24

irregular times, 8.25.24

we had the cambodian funeral for ta today. there were monks, food, and kids running around. it wasn’t as tough as yesterday, but it was still difficult. they already had his ashes ready for us this morning. it’s always shocking how quick things move in this life. i tried to enjoy the day with the family as much as i could. we went out to eat for lunch, went to the mall, then chan and i walked rose. we all head out tomorrow. i don’t want to return to regular life, but after this weekend, nothing is really regular anymore.

-ratha, 9:01pm, 8.25.24

sad saturdays, 8.24.24

it hit me the most when i put the flowers on your chest. i said a prayer and thanked you for raising the greatest man i know. you didn’t look like yourself and it hurt me so bad. i remember you being so vibrant. the world is much dimmer without your light. i love you and wish we had spent more time with each other but the times we did spend together over the years i’ve always felt loved by you so i couldn’t be anything but thankful.

i guess it’s til next time, but in the meantime we’ll be missing you.

-ratha, 7:24pm, 8.24.24

flying-in fridays, 8.23.24

we flew into the twin cities today, ate some pizza, then drove to rochester. everybody is in better spirits than i thought, but tomorrow hasn’t come yet. when i walked in, yiy cried and hugged me. she did that when she saw chan and boun, too. i feel so bad for her, because as hard as it is on us, it’s infinitely harder on her. i tried not to think too much about things, but sometimes my thoughts are like my emotions in the sense that i can’t control them when they become overwhelming. the worst part of all of this is that the worst part has even happened yet.

so many thoughts and so many emotions and not enough acceptance, experience, and wisdom to get me through.

-ratha, 10:56pm, 8.23.24

thursday lost keys, 8.22.24

after working a 10-hour day, i went to my car in the garage and i couldn’t find my keys. it was so frustrating, especially after a long day or should i say week. i went to security on the west-side and it wasn’t there. then i went to security on the east-side and he helped me look for them, but we couldn’t find them after 15 minutes. my last resort was security on the third floor. when i pulled up, he said nobody dropped keys since he’s been there, but as he looked around, my keys were in a ziplock bag thank God. i thanked him then went on my way home. as i’m driving, i’m thinking where did i lose the keys. as i retraced my steps, i couldn’t figure out when and where. it bothered me that i couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment in retrospect, but i was just thankful to have found the keys and be on my way home.

-ratha, 8:26pm, 8.22.24

wednesday lunch travels, 8.21.24

molly bought us all lunch from tatte. i had a chicken pita sandwhich and a cookie. as we’re all talking, she’s telling us about trips and conferences we could take to sites in germany, france, and puerto rico. lowkey, as she’s telling me the details, i’m thinking of how dope it would be to go. especially since i renewed my passport last year. i’ve been wanted to do an international the past couple of years and it turns out i might make up for the trips i “owe” to myself starting this winter/fall.

-ratha, 1:04pm, 8.21.24

tuesday texts, 8.20.24

i got the text sometime in the hour of 2:00pm. though i don’t think i was shocked nor surprised, i still wasn’t ready. it was a reminder of the temporary state of our existence no matter how much we cling onto the idea of forever. we did a 10 hour day today so while my body was up and running for this study, my mind was elsewhere. i don’t know how i will process this, but there will be a lot of writing and soul-searching in the upcoming future.

it’s just never enough time.

-ratha, 10:05pm, 8.20.24

long mondays, 8.19.24

hows the first day of the sartorius study going you ask?

well, i worked for 11 hours today smh.

-ratha, 9:01pm, 8.19.24

stopping by on a sunday, 8.18.24

tonight, after dinner, i stopped by work to pull out some protein for the experiments this week. i’m leading a study on filterability and we have sartorius coming in to assist. afterwards as i’m driving home on i-93, they shut down two lanes leaving two open. this guy in a white beamer pulls up next to me and give me a thumbs up. i have no idea what he’s talking about so i give him one back. then he says you sure you want to race? i shake my head like nah and we both laugh it off. out of curiosity, i looked up his car when i got home. i have more horsepower but his car is 1500 lbs less than mine, so he definitely would’ve won. regardless, even if i had a lamborghini i wouldn’t have raced. i’m just not one of those guys. i like to accelerate fast, but not necessarily drive fast if that makes sense.

another small incident in my life that if i don’t document i’ll forget.

-ratha, 11:02pm, 8.18.24

mentions you in their story, 8.17.24

yesterday one of my posts on the 365 page reached someone and they shared it on their story. that’s the first time somebody i don’t personally know shared my writing. i was elated! i messaged her and thanked her because these things are humbling. i write because it helps me deal with internal conflict/unresolved emotions and when someone shares or comments it makes me feel not so alone in my journey as we navigate through this human experience together.

-ratha, 12:37pm, 8.17.24