trying to help out, 9.15.23

my dad left to belgium for a week last weekend. before he left, he told me to make sure i cut the grass. it has been raining here in boston every day this past week. he’s scheduled to come home around dinner time tonight, and today is the only day where it has been sunny and dry. i took advantage of the opportunity and cut the grass. afterwards, i took a nap, woke up, and talked to e. i told e how i was going to skip the gym, but he convinced me to go if i wanted to be better. i went, and as i’m working out, a guy comes to me and asks me if i have jumper cables as his car isn’t starting. i told him no, even though i knew i had some in the back of my car. the reason? i get nervous when i’m put on the spot. it’s a sad excuse, but that’s how i’ve always been. i also thought somebody else in the gym would have some jumper cables and would help him out, which i guess is what they call the bystander effect. i finish my workout 30 minutes later. as i walk out, i see him on the phone. i ask if he ever found jumper cables. he told me he didn’t and he couldn’t believe out of 30 people, not one person had jumper cables. i made up some story about my brother borrowing my car, but i could check if i had jumper cables. i took them out and told him i found them even though in the back of my mind, i knew i had them. another asian guy pulls up with jumper cables, too. i always see the asian guy in the gym and he says that he finished his workout, went home, and came back with jumper cables. his cables were too short, but mine worked out. we were able to jump the car and mr. kelly (he told me his name afterwards) was able to go home. mr. kelly said that he has been to all the planet fitnesses in the area, and that the wilmington one was one of the best. he said the worst was methuen because people are always on their phone lol.

i drove home thinking it’s not helping people out that’s difficult, it’s my mental block filled with anxiety and nerves that is, which led me to believe i’m only thing holding me back and how i need to let go of the idea that someone else will do things when i am fully capable.

-ratha, 10:34pm, 9.15.23