this was your life, 11.27.23

i was out of the way in burlington today trying to get quotes for a timing belt/water pump replacement for the sequoia. the shop told me they only work on cars 2008 or newer. i had never heard of that before, but at least now i know. thinking of how heavy the traffic would be going home, i found the nearest planet fitness 1.9 miles away. it was tucked in the very back of an industrial complex. even walking in, everything was so old/worn down besides the cardio section. i had a work out, then as i was leaving, there was a small pamphlet/book on the push bar of the last door. it was titled: this was your life! i had a feeling it was a religious-related, so i took it. as soon as i came home, i began reading it while drinking my protein shake. to sum it up: it’s an illustrated book about a rich guy who dies, goes to judgement day, then God reviews all the times he wasn’t a good man. he was going to get sent to hell, but then he repented. some of the things he was judged on was telling stories (lying), being a peeping tom, betraying people, stealing, going to church and counting down the minutes, etc. it got me to thinking about things going on in my life now. i’m not perfect, but i’m for damn sure a solid individual no matter how they try to paint me in order to justify their actions. i hope when the emotional smoke clears, an egoless version of themselves will shine me in a light of appreciation. coming across that book at a gym i’ve never been to was the sign that i needed to let me know i did what i could. even if i played things perfect, it still would not be enough, though nobody walking on this earth is in the slightest bit perfect. it should be about appreciation, and i’ve been feeling taken for granted and overlooked. it should be you and i versus the problem, not us versus each other. at the end of the day, what did i do? better yet what didn’t i do? a calm conversation could fix a lot of things, but who knows at this point.

balancing mental health, life, and insecurity is hard sometimes, and lord knows these past few weeks have been difficult as ever.

-ratha, 9:49pm, 11.27.23