no rest for the anxious, 5.21.25

i had all intentions on going to sleep last night, but it just didn’t happen. my mind was all over the place, plus we had a big experiment this morning so i was a bit anxious. i think over the years i’ve gotten to a point where i’m used to the anxiety, but my body still reacts without my mind acknowledging it. i was tossing and turning until 3:30am, then i went to use the bathroom and bagel was outside my door. i took him out, then came back to bed. i started hearing birds chirp and looked at my phone. it was 5:10am. my alarm was for 7:10am, so if i went to sleep, i wouldn’t wake up until noon. ironically, i came across a video of a guy who stayed up for a year straight in what people said he had fatal insomnia. that brought on even more anxiety, then i watched a history video on a dictator in romania and his assassination during christmas of 1989. afterwards, i got up to brush my teeth. i let bagel out once more and began my drive to work. i was so exhausted that i pulled into burger king to get some breakfast. i sat inside and ate, then pulled up to work. it’s been a long morning, but i’m about to finish up then head to an appointment. i think i’ll treat myself to some chinese for dinner, but i do hope i can sleep better tonight.

i’d be happy with just a few hours.

-ratha, 12:44pm, 5.21.25